What if there really was a Liberal Bias in the Press?

By John Kelley

What if you woke up one morning and went to your front walk and picked up your morning paper to find that overnight there had been a revolution and the press really had been taken over by liberals.  What would it look like?  I think it might look something like this.

Republicans Push New Tax Plan

Today house Republicans voted unanimously to dump more disabled, poor children and seniors off healthcare, deprive hungry families of food and shut down Headstart programs across America so that Joe & Jane Millionaire can get another yacht.  Further it has been decided officially that getting your money while sitting on your yacht (collecting dividends) is favored over actually physically working for it (wages) and as such millionaires will be excused from taxes on dividends and capital gains. 

Hugo Chavez Bails Out Poor

Hugo Chavez, the hero President of Venezuela and the leader of the democracy movement in South America saved poor people in the Bronx and Massachusetts from freezing to death in their homes by selling them cheap oil to stay warm with.  The Bush Administration stated, “This is a distortion of the free market where some people get to freeze while others just fly to the Bahamas, and we think it sets a terrible precedent that will just make poor people want more.”

U.S. Attempts to Avoid Responsibility in Mass Murder

In Iraq today, the puppet court of Donald Rumsfeld attempted to focus on the oldest smallest crimes possible hoping to get a conviction and immediate execution of Saddam Hussein, former dictator of Iraq.  Representative of truth in law, Ramsey Clark issued a statement saying, “The U.S. hopes to get Saddam executed before he can talk about their complicity in the gassing of the Kurds and Iranians.”

Syria and Iran Threatened by the U.S. and Israel

The U.S. upped its threats to Iranian and Syrian sovereignty today demanding a McDonalds on every corner, that the Washington Times and Fox take over their media and that they go back to burning camel dung for fuel in order to prove they were no threat to western oil and economic control.  Israel offered to bomb Iranian energy sites “just for the hell of it”.

Corruption on Every Corner

It appears that the Republican Party will have so many congressman, senators, governors and other illegally elected officials indicted that the rest of the congressional session will have to be canceled for lack of a quorum until new elections are held.  Asked for a statement, jailed leaders Tom Delay and Bill Frist stated, “We don’t really understand the problem”

Megalomanics Cheney and Rove Plotting Overthrow of Government

The evil Machiavellian machinations of Vice President Dick Cheney and Chief of Staff Karl Rove have reached a new level.  Threatened with being forced into resignation or indictment, the two have secretly hatched a plot to fake a terrorist act so they can declare martial law.  Asked what he thought of this, President Bush choked on a pretzel and fell to the ground.  Luckily Condolezza Rice was there to perform the Heimlich maneuver and give him mouth to mouth which seemed to go on for an extraordinary length of time.

President Shows Lack of Knowledge Once Again

Yesterday when asked how many civilians were killed in Iraq, President Bush took a wild stab in the dark and guessed 30,000.  When it was pointed out that independent sources had estimated Iraqi civilian deaths at approximately 120,000 he responded that he seemed to remember from 8th grade history that dark skinned people counted less.  He also stated when asked about whether the color of people’s skin impacted his decision making about New Orleans, that he was insulted that anybody would imply that he was prejudiced.

Governor Schwarzenegger Refuses Act of Simple Decency

Governor Schwarzenegger refused to commute Crips founder Stanley “tookie” Williams death penalty allowing the execution.  The governator said, “Without an apology and atonement for these senseless and brutal killings, there can be no redemption.”  The statement was read by his former lover who was 15 years old at the time of their involvement.

General Motors Announces Expansion of Indian Auto Production

General Motors announced to day that they will be producing up to 40,000 cars a year in new facilities in India as soon as the plants can be built.  Asked if these were an off shoring of jobs given the fact that GM would be laying off 30,000 domestic auto workers, management said, “No, these are cars that will be built for India and China and everyone knows those couldn’t be built in America.”  Asked why the reverse was true, management responded by saying “We will be offering our laid off workers the right to transfer to the new plants at a salary of one bowl of rice a day, but they will have to move there on their own dime.”

Hillary Clinton Totally Sells Out to Get Nomination

Hillary Clinton announced to day that she would be divorcing Former President Bill Clinton and marrying Newt Gingrich as soon as Mr. Gingrich could get is 3rd divorce.  Asked if she had totally went over to the Republicans, she said no and went on to talk about how Jerry Falwell would be doing the ceremony and they would be honeymooning in Crawford, Texas.

Government Turns Officially Turns Into Police State

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today that it was now official the government can spy on you for anything anytime and pick you up with out charge, hold you as long as it wants and of course not let you speak to anyone.  He said not to worry though that no one would be tortured.  Asked what was defined as torture he stated, “we don’t really know, but we’re working on defining it”.  When asked whether this would help reign in terrorism, he stated he hoped so but just in case, Intelligence Czar John Negroponte was developing a plan that had been successful for him in Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Iraq, namely secret death squads.  Asked whether rendition was still being used, he stated the government had a new policy that would negate the need for that