The problem with roadmaps

By Ray Hanania

After several trips to Jerusalem over the past year, I have come to realize that the term “roadmap” is not exactly the best way to describe a mission to achieve anything, let alone peace. When it comes to making or following roadmaps, Palestinians and Israelis can’t drive. At least not well. And that’s not a good place to start.

Ask an Israeli about directions, and they are extremely detailed. Always confusing. And, sometimes, even wrong.

“Well, to go from the expressway to the sea, you must get to Jabotinsky street. It’s the only one that really cuts across Tel Aviv. Arlozorov Street is too slow. Too many distractions. Jabotinsky is straight ahead. Knows where he’s going. That’s because he is a true Zionist. Oye vezmere. You could take Dizengoff Street, but it curves, like much of our Prime Minister Ehud Olmert’s policies. But then, Dizengoff was Tel Aviv’s first mayor. Of course, you’ll miss the beautiful Jabotinsky circle … ”

Ah. I just want to find a sandwich shop.

“Then turn left at Ibn Gvirol Street.”

A Tel Aviv Street named after an Arab? I ask.

“No. He’s not an Arab. Are you crazy? This is Tel Aviv.”

I learned Israel has a bad reputation when it comes to driving from my comedy compatriots, Charley Warady and Yisrael Campbell. Both do bits about driving on Israeli streets in their routines.

Everyone in Israel knows more Israelis are killed while driving than by terrorism. But that fact only angers Hamas even more.

“No matter what we do, the Zionist entity insist on always demeaning us,” a Hamas activist once remarked about the matter.

Ask Palestinians about directions, and they are short and to the point. Which means, basically, that they don’t know. The only certainty they offer is in their favorite Arabic expression, “Insha’allah,” which is the most certainty you can ever expect from an Arab.

“Ya’ani. Go there. And, Ya’ani, then there. Ya’ani, Insha’allah, you’ll find your way.”

Being that Arabs and Israelis are male dominated societies, we also don’t take too well to getting directions, especially from women.

“Why don’t you stop to ask for directions, honey?” my wife, who is Jewish, always says when I drive. It’s never a question.

“Directions? What do you think I am? Incompetent?” is the usual male retort. “I can’t support my own family? Are you saying I’m not a man?”

Of course, minutes after my wife tells me to get directions, we get desperately lost, and into another heated argument.

“Turn there. Turn. Turn TURN!” My wife starts nagging. “And you call yourself your family’s oldest son! Oye vezmere!”

Through all the yelling and screaming in the car, we always end up finding our way to where we are going. I think, deep down, that my wife yelling at me while I am driving forces me to get to where we need to go faster. Without the yelling, I’d never find my way.

An alternative would be to buy one of those fancy GPS units, which uses satellite technology and a voice to tell you how to get from Point A to Point B. I tried it out, once. But the voice was so nice. Sweet. Gentle. It never yelled. I was more confused.

Now, if they could make a GPS Unit that has a voice that sounds like my wife, yelling and screaming as I drive and miss turns, I might actually find a GPS unit to be useful.

That’s the way the male mind works.

Deep down, we men know we are lost. But we’ll never admit it, something all Arab and Israeli men share.

So, despite all the pessimism surrounding the United States hoped-for peace summit at Annapolis, I was encouraged.

First of all, the summit is being organized by a woman, Condoleezza Rice. And, when Israel decided to send Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni to the pre-talk talks, I was encouraged. When it comes to following Roadmaps, women clearly do it better.

Maybe the Palestinians should do the same. Instead of sending a bunch of men led by Prime Minister Ahmed Qurei, President Mahmoud Abbas should send Hanan Ashrawi.

Men may not like it, but I can bet that with women driving, we’d get to where we want to be a lot faster.

Of course, the Arab-Israel conflict is not as simple as driving from Point A to Point B.

But then, if the summit fails to succeed, there’s nothing better for the men than to be able to blame it on the women.

“Women? Following roadmaps? Negotiating peace? No wonder it failed.”

That just might prompt Olmert and Abbas to force themselves to reach a peace agreement. Just to prove they’re better than the women.
Insha’allah, of course.

(Ray Hanania is an award winning Palestinian American journalist, author and standup comedian. Copyright Arab Writers Group Syndicate, http://www.arabwritersgroup.com )