Islamic Pacifism Defined

By Arsalan Iftikhar

Mahatma Gandhi once said that, “I have nothing new to teach the world…Truth and nonviolence are as old as the hills.” Since time immemorial, our human experiment has revolved around the enlightened advancement of collective human thought. Within the current ungodly global mix of perpetual war, everlasting human poverty, extremist terrorism and global racism; our human race has completely and utterly lost its collective mind. Since our world has gone completely bonkers, the unquenchable thirst for social justice of this young American Muslim human rights lawyer must positively be channeled at this juncture of infinite global sadness towards a purpose-driven life guided down an untaken road called Islamic Pacifism.

Malcolm X once said that, “It is a time for martyrs now, and if I am to be one, it will be for the cause of brotherhood. That’s the only thing that can save this country.” With the infamous likes of Osama, Coulter and every other global ‘pimp of war’ maniacally bent on the ungodly destruction of our world; this bleeding heart Muslim pacifist continues to offer himself as their adversarial rhetorical ‘peace assassin’ in the quixotic quest to cure the toxic venom of all racists and warmongers worldwide.

As everyone scurries to kill each other over dollars, euros, riyals and Halliburton stock shares, this Muslim pacifist human rights lawyer shall continue to wander our globally-warmed Sherwood Forest with our merry band of billion believers and global pacifists of all races and religions ruthlessly afflicting the comfortable and gently comforting the afflicted.

So alas, with my trusty black ThinkPad, white iPod earbuds and red Swingline stapler, this evolved millennial version of Islamic Pacifism is officially introduced to our global community today.

With the genteel kindness of Gandhi (a former lawyer himself) and the righteous ferocity of post-Hajj Malcolm X (aka post-racial ‘El Hajj’), this millennial version of Islamic Pacifism will be redefined and shall trade the loincloths of the former and the spectacles of the latter for a wool herringbone suit and ruthless black leather gloves as his modern-day global pacifist uniform.

This revived gentle giant of global pacifism shall welcome all people, regardless of any race, religion or socioeconomic status. Whether you are white, black or purple, whether you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or celebrate Festivus; our next generation of youthful global pacifists can help reclaim our culture of humanity from sinister warmongering dinosaurs with names like Osama, Coulter, Hamas and Cheney.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that, “Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.” By giving global pacifism a millennial makeover, we shall use the witty humor of Jon Stewart, the humanistic nuance of Chomsky and the fearless determination of Mandela to quench our collective thirst for social justice.

With the hipster slyness of Danny Ocean to the groovy idealism of John Lennon, we rhetorical ‘peace assassins’ shall never physically harm another soul in our silent Bourne-like precision as we continue to leave warmongering dinosaurs scratching their brainless heads in shadowy caves or television studios around the globe using only our words as our righteous weapons.

For anyone in the world who has ever earnestly prayed for a Muslim Gandhi, you can sleep peacefully knowing that the life memoirs of this young Muslim pacifist shall one day be playfully entitled ‘The Autobiography of Gandhi X’.

Finally proving that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword, everyone can rest easy knowing that Barack Obama is not the only brown civil rights lawyer from Chicago with the audacity of hope running through his every vein.

Alas, without any further ado and with a tip of my proverbial hat to humanity, I welcome one and all to the wonderful world of Islamic Pacifism…

I love reading the Quran and I love listening to Nirvana. As a Muslim political troubadour and interpreter of global maladies, my life as a human rights lawyer and public diplomat since the tragedy of 9/11 has now become one big absurd game of television musical chairs and YouTube video clips. From CNN to BBC World News, I have spent a dizzying chunk of the last several years on the proverbial ‘hot seat,’ as a global Muslim public intellectual for over a billion mainstream Muslims who never want to be represented by the bobble-headed terrorist, Osama bin Laden.

I have also performed the Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca and have also been a ball-boy for my hometown Chicago Bulls. Additionally, from the Barbershop at National Public Radio (NPR) to the frigid FOX News studios of The O’Reilly Factor, I have had to explain to the world countless times that the godless maniacs who kill civilians in places like Bali, Madrid and London have lost their bloody minds and are simply committing irreligious acts of mass murder that have nothing to do with the true faith of Islam.

Do not worry, ladies and gentlemen, a billion Muslim pacifist sisters and brothers will challenge those who hijacked Islam and we will spend our lives serenely hijacking it back; by any peaceful means necessary.

Your ‘Gandhi X’ has also been cast in a Russell Crowe Hollywood spy movie thriller (Body of Lies with Leonardo DiCaprio) and has also emerged victorious at The Doha Debates in front of 300 million BBC World viewers. Honoring the fact that two Nobel Peace Prize winners and an American president (Bill Clinton) had also previously graced that same stage; this Muslim pacifist used that global stage in Doha to call for the complete eradication of every form of global racism in the world, including Islamophobia and Anti-Semitism.

Nonetheless, I still get called a ‘terrorist’ by knucklehead racists because of my unabashed love of Islam and am still called a Muslim ‘hippy’ by knucklehead extremists for my unabashed platform of peace.

Well, since Islam means ‘peace’ anyway, I shall proudly wear the ‘Islamic Peacenik’ label as a badge of honor during my life mission as a global diplomatic mercenary. Because with such seething hatred in the world today, the only thing that anyone can condemn me for is my seething love.

Additionally, I also fast every day during Ramadan and I love watching old Seinfeld episodes. As a Muslim human rights lawyer, I will continue to always condemn every act of terrorism and every form of global racism in existence today. Whether it is Islamophobia, Anti-Semitism or any other form of racism, these are all categorically wrong and despicably antithetical to any religious tradition or human civilization.

Being an international human rights lawyer and stoic stalwart for religious freedom for all of humanity; my heart smiles every time I see a Muslim woman proudly wearing her hijab, a Jewish man proudly wearing his yarmulke or a Sikh man proudly keeping his turban.

Being a Muslim pacifist, I have also been called every name in the book. From the ‘Muslim Stephanopoulos’ to ‘The Islamic Goalie’, lovers and haters worldwide have rubbed their brain cells together to create ad hominem monikers to try to compartmentalize ‘The Muslim Guy’. Over the years, some people have called me the Muslim Hippy, Capitol Hill Kumar (Dude, Where’s my Harold…), the Lefty LeBron, Fresh Prince of Islam, The Muslim Dark Knight or Islamic Political Redbelt.

As the Religious Lefty or whatever other silly names Osama and Coulter can conjure in their puny little brains; this Muslim human rights lawyer and Islamic pacifist will continue to reclusively perch atop the shadowy rooftops of the world somberly awaiting the next global light beacon from the Muslim Bat-Signal in the form of silly Danish cartoons, ungodly acts of terrorism or diplomatic calls for reconciliation.

Simply put; If ‘A’ is for Ann Coulter and ‘O’ is for Osama bin Laden, you may simply consider this Muslim Pacifist their collective ‘V’ for Vendetta.

Sadly, if I also had a dollar for every death threat received where I have been called a ‘Sand N——-‘, I would be able to happily buy the entire world a Coke and we would be well on our way towards the reality of world peace.

Even sadder though, although Muslims have won 3 out of the last 5 Nobel Peace Prizes, all because of one terrorist cave-dweller; 1400 years of Pan-Islamic cultural and societal progress has gone down the drain.

Thanks a lot, Osama…

In explaining the utter human simplicity of my global pacifism, we should be reminded of the words of Albert Einstein: “My pacifism is an instinctive feeling; a feeling that possesses me because the murder of men is disgusting…My attitude is not derived from any intellectual theory but is based on my deepest antipathy to every kind of cruelty and hatred…”

It should be no secret that our world is in darkness tonight. A pacifist Mozart to every racist Salieri out there, we global pacifists have as our life missions the opportunity to make Huntington’s dinosaur theory completely and utterly obsolete. By successfully turning the world into a United Colors of Benetton advertisement, we can ensure that the only thing that all the beautiful babies of the world will ever need to worry about is filling their cute tummies, pooping in their smelly diapers and deciding which color Nerf ball to play with today.

Simply put, if you hurt any woman or baby on earth, the life mission of this ruthless pacifist is to haunt your sinister sleep and wag my very large foam finger in your face until you beg for God’s forgiveness for your ungodly acts.

To Osama, Coulter and every other pimp of war out there, please consider me your pacifistic mortal arch-nemesis. Again, the ever-loving Mozart to your seething rabid Salieri, for anyone who laughs at the prospect of world peace and human dignity for every single woman and baby on earth; please feel free to send Osama or Coulter into the global ring with this lefty Muslim heavyweight, bump your gloves with mine and we will let the world see who will be left standing at the end of twelve rounds of a global geopolitical heavyweight bout.

Terrorists, racists and global haters of all colors shall find that the titanium points of our pens are sharper than any of Osama’s rusty swords and that a ruthless pacifist’s ink is more righteously toxic to all of Medusa’s snakes perched atop Coulter’s little peroxide head.

Let it be made clear that this renewed message of global pacifism is about the message and not the messenger. If Gandhi had nothing to teach the world, then the life of this Muslim pacifist is merely one single teardrop on a massive fire. However, if every member of our human race embraced a culture of humanity for everyone else; our six billion collective teardrops will obliterate any earthly trace of this sinister racist fire set by arsonist knuckleheads like Osama and Coulter.

To my sisters and brothers of every color and religion around the world, I happily welcome you into the world of a new global pacifism; where there are no sticks, stones or bombs. As Muslim pacifists, we welcome our siblings of all colors and faiths to advance these humanistic and godly ideals: all humans are God’s beautiful creations, all murder is ungodly, all racism is devilish and all wars are crimes.

Since our world has gone completely bananas, everyone on all sides should lay down their bombs and/or water-boards for one moment and contemplate a millennial farewell to arms.

Imagine if Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad (peace be upon them all) were alive today; our entire human race would not have the collective audacity to look them directly into their watering eyes because of the horrors that we have committed upon each other.

As a human race, we are all simply broken. Whether we decide as a global community to take a path towards perpetual war or coexistent peace will dictate whether we align ourselves with devilish racist warmongers or choose to be on the side of the loving warrior angels.

Additionally, as a human race, we all have individual dreams. Some of my own silly little dreams include sharing a dumpling with the Dalai, a cup of coffee with Kofi, a stage with Bono and a movie frame with Clooney. In addition to finally seeing a Democrat perpetually sworn into The White House and my beloved Celtics hoisting their 17th NBA title banner atop the hallowed rafters of Boston Garden; this American Muslim pacifist’s uber-dream is to perhaps one day receive a nomination piece of paper for a silly little trinket given by the Nobel boys (and girls) in Stockholm and Oslo.

You can keep your dollars, euros and Halliburton stocks. The entire life of this Islamic Pacifist shall simply be spent throwing his arms around the world in the quixotic quest for that silly piece of paper postmarked from Stockholm or Oslo. Finally then, this insignificant Muslim human rights lawyer can lay penniless on his deathbed in Islamic Zen-like tranquility taking his last breath knowing that he sincerely dedicated his life simply trying to be one of God’s peacemakers.

Until that glorious day, this Islamic Pacifist welcomes one and all to our globally-warmed Sherwood Forest as our merry band of billion pacifist believers continue to gently comfort the afflicted, ruthlessly afflict the comfortable and lovingly wonder if God will ever forgive us for what we have done to each other.

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