Satire:

I Hate “Freedom”

George Bush has it right. We Iraqis hate America because it is “free” and because it is a “perfect” society, just ask the people of New Orleans.

By Jerry Ghinelli

Greetings to the American People from downtown Baghdad!

My name is Mohamed and I want to say your President Bush speaks the truth when he says we Iraqis “hate freedom.” He is right! I don’t necessarily care for Bush, but if you’ll pardon the pun, you need to give the devil his due! You have a saying in America that goes something like this: “A broken clock tells the right time twice a day.” Bush is right on target about us “freedom haters” – just as he is with his warnings of WMD.

God, I mean Allah, how I hate freedom! Let me explain:

Recently, I had the pleasure of visiting the U.S. I flew into Newark New Jersey’s Liberty International Airport and was so jealous of the magnificence of that lovely city. Compared with Baghdad, Newark was nirvana. Now I know why they call New Jersey the “Garden State.” My friend, also named Mohamed (all Muslims are named Mohamed, as all Italians are named Anthony), picked me up at the airport and I could not believe the “efficiency” and the “courtesy” of the airport employees. When Mohamed asked an employee for directions to Philadelphia, he was ignored. In Baghdad, our car would be checked for explosives. Americans just don’t know how lucky they are to have such courteous civil servants and that is just one of the many reasons why I hate the freedoms you enjoy. May I continue?

Mohamed exited the airport, made a wrong turn and landed in downtown Newark. I could not believe my eyes. Thousands of young black men were hanging out in the middle of the day. It must be great for them to have such terrific jobs that they can work a few hours and then relax. We passed a building called an unemployment office. Mohamed said they give you money there and you don’t even have to work. The line for this “free money” stretched out the door, down the hall and halfway through the parking lot. I was getting really angry now!

Eventually, we found our way out of Newark and headed down the New Jersey turnpike bound for Philadelphia. While driving south I saw the epitome of American capitalism. Miles and miles of refineries were spewing out some pretty cool stuff. I was green with envy over the green slime coming out of those pipes. Man, that was some great stuff! I wish we had pipes like that in Iraq. I love the smell of sulfur in the morning; it smells like prosperity.

Driving down the turnpike, I noticed how many gas-guzzling cars and trucks were driving as fast as they could. The monster in front of us must have burned a quart of gas every quarter mile. So that is why America needs to prop up those feudal monarchs in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. I hate them – and America too for keeping those corrupt kings in power.

Mohamed further infuriates me by telling me most Americans can’t afford these big cars. “You see,” he says, “most of those cars are leased not owned.”

“You mean, a company ‘gives’ you a car, you drive it for three years and then you give it back?”

“Ditto,” he says about a house! American banks let you live in a house for thirty years and then, should you live long enough, it becomes yours!

Along the way we were stuck in massive traffic and drivers were all waving to each other with their middle fingers. You Americans are so friendly! Mohamed happened to tap the bumper of the car in front of us. There was not a scrape on the car, but the driver complained about how bad his back hurt. You Americans are as delicate as flowers.

Further down the turnpike I noticed about twenty factories were closed. I bet the American workers in those factories get long vacations.

We arrived in Philadelphia only twelve hours after leaving Newark. Not bad for an eighty mile drive! In Iraq, the journey from Baghdad to Tikrit can take two days. (It’s been tough getting asphalt during the twelve years of sanctions and the suicide bombers are always a nuisance). We drove around for about an hour looking for a place to park and found a spot only six blocks away.

While walking down the street, a woman had her purse snatched by a young kid. She called the police and they came in only four hours. They were so compassionate towards her. They told her she should not be walking alone and said that next time she should be more careful. In Iraq, they would have arrested her for not wearing a burqua! She was crying, so Mohamed gave her ten Iraqi dinars (the bills with Saddam’s picture on them). A nice young man on the corner offered to give her a ride and paid her a compliment as well. “Hey, baby, wanna come with me,” he said. “Nice legs,” he added. Iraqi men are not nearly so chivalrous.

When we arrived at our friend’s house, he experienced some misfortune. He was suddenly stricken with appendicitis and we had to rush him to the hospital. The doctors and nurses were great. They were so compassionate towards him even though he did not have insurance. He waited in the emergency room for just fifteen hours. In an Iraqi hospital, he would have had to wait two days until after they had treated the malnourished kids and gunshot victims. Since he did not have insurance, the hospital released him only two hours after surgery. America, you are so fortunate to have such quality and inexpensive health care.

After a wonderful week passed I headed back home, this time leaving from Philadelphia. Now I understand why W. C. Fields’ gravestone says, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” Me too!

I decided to visit some other places before heading home, so I stopped in Canada. Forgive me, but I must admit I liked Canada even better then America. I didn’t hate Canada or its people. Perhaps I envied it a bit, but I could not, for some unexplained reason, feel the hatred that I did for America. I wonder why?

So, you see, George Bush has it right. We Iraqis hate America because it is “free” and because it is a “perfect” society, just ask the people of New Orleans.

Jerry Ghinelli writes essays exclusively for Information Clearing House and contributes his time and efforts as a private citizen, with the hope of encouraging readers to think more broadly about the important issues that threaten the peace and security of the world community. He welcomes all intelligent feedback, whether positive or negative, which should be sent to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), or visit http://www.jerryghinelli.com .

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